STOP LIVING IN DELUSION -MARRIAGE CANNOT CHANGE YOU OR YOUR SPOUSE
One major mistake people make before getting married, and which they may have to live by the rest of their lives is assuming that your spouse will get better in his attitude or behavior. In one out of ten cases, you will rarely get it right with such an assumption. Marriage does not change you or your spouse. So, stop living in delusion. Such an assumption is also a core crisis point in marriage. I have been involved in dispute resolution in some marriages that the knotty issue has been along the line of such assumptions.
In one situation, the wife was enjoying a relationship of clubbing and night crawling with her husband, during the courtship stage. After years of getting married, she started complaining about late night outings of her husband. When peacemakers asked her to state what had changed between courtship and marriage, she said nothing. So, what was the issue that she didn’t like late night outings? She thought her husband would change from late night outings after getting married. But, the husband has remained his humble self.
In another situation, the wife was warned of a habit of the husband before they got married but, she said she would change him. Till date, she has not succeeded in doing so. Rather, the marriage has become handicapped on the account of the habit.
The truth of the matter is that, you won’t succeed in changing your man or woman after getting married. No matter how much you try, it’s will not work out at least, in most cases. Why is this so? The two of you have been formed into his and her individual personality. You have become like dry fish which breaks in the attempt to bend it. That’s the one major reason of marital conflicts.
Four Major Assumptions About Spousal Behavioural Changes In Marriage
- Assuming your spouse will change from physical abuse: I had engaged ladies who got beaten up during courtship by their partners. When cautioned about going into marriage with the guy, she convinced herself that it would not continue in marriage. A man who can afford to beat you in courtship will rarely stop it in marriage. It’s been proven over and over. Such a man is bad insurance market. The risk is too high. If you want to have a peaceful home, don’t be deceived by the promised change of habit of physical abuse
- Assumption that his social life will get better: I heard of a man who got married as a musician, but later became a great preacher. The wife left him, and when pleaded with by well-wishers, she confessed that she couldn’t cope with being married to a pastor preacher. That was the end of the marriage. According to her, what she married was the social life of a musician and not that of a preacher. In my opening remarks, the reverse was the case, as the wife got married with the assumption that her husband would never change after marriage
- Sex would keep your spouse from extra marital affairs: No matter how much sex that is available in the marriage, a spouse given to sexual escapades will not stop it because he or she is now married. That is why some people usually say that marriage is not a cure for promiscuity. So, it’s foolhardy to assume that you or your spouse will change from being promiscuous. It is a mere fallacy. That’s why infidelity is on the increase these days
- Certain behaviours in marriage hardly come to pass: It is rare, and you cannot predict yours will be an exception. It is better to come straight in the choice than to become stuck in the marriage. Personality traits of many years hardly experience changes. If you have taken the risk, and it’s not working in your favour, you might have reached your bus stop, so you just have to come down and live in Reality Of the person you are married to. Otherwise, you may have to use the exit door, especially if it’s tending towards a life-threatening situation. The only hope you have for a change is turning him or her over to the Maker of heaven and earth, who can do all things, and with whom, all things are possible. If you turn to Him, He may show you mercy. But it better not to build your marriage on assumptions if you want to be happily married hereafter. It saves you from unnecessary aches and heartbreaks
